Where Are You God?

For years I have struggled with anger towards God for the lot Lexi was given in life. It's ebbs and flows as we jump from one crisis to the next. I have grieved as those without hope, with bitterness and gnashing of teeth. The good can be hard to see underneath the crushing weight of suffering I watch my daughter live with. I can't honestly portray our life without entering into that darkness.

When Lexi was little I would rock her for hours as she screamed, praying for comfort and peace for her. When that didn't come I felt abandoned and rejected by God. I knew He loved Lexi more than I could ever love her. In my limited version of love I would have done anything to spare her that misery and I couldn't understand why He chose not to intervene.

Over time I stopped praying for Lexi because it was too painful. God seemed to be silent in my life. I wasn't willing to hear anything other than what I wanted.

Even as I went farther from the Lord in my attitude and thoughts, becoming more apathetic and doubting his work in my daily life He pursued me. There was one time where Lexi was having a hard day and instead of begging for relief I praised God. I thanked Him for His love and His patience with me. In that moment I had unexplainable peace. My daughter was still crying but I knew God was with me.

As the years have gone by there are still times when I get angry. I think anger is my go to emotion when I am overwhelmed and can't deal with my real emotions. It's easier than facing the truth because there are times when it seems like being vulnerable will shatter me. It hurts too much to say "I'm afraid you don't love me God. This doesn't feel loving. I'm afraid you don't have good things for my life and my daughter."

Jesus is patient with me though. He keeps teaching me over and over again through all sorts of avenues that "His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8) It's not my job to weigh the blessings versus the pain in this journey. Most things God does cannot even be seen. My view of God needs to expand and I need to trust He is good even when my circumstances don't feel that way.

Remembering the cross reminds me that Jesus has already proven His love for me in giving His very life for me. He never promised to make my life easy if I follow Him. He does promise "to work all things for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)

Part of why I'm writing this blog is to grab hold of the positive that God is producing in our dark spaces. My prayer is to see Him constantly in this life with a medically fragile daughter so I can shout to the world that even "If I make my bed in the depths, He is there." (Psalm 139:8)

I think as long as I live I will be working these thoughts out.