Teamwork

If you know me at all you have probably heard me brag about the way my husband cares for Lexi. He is the most patient, sacrificing, thoughtful daddy to his little girl. I'm constantly in awe of how he loves her so perfectly. She knows it too. Her eyes light up with happiness in a particular way just for him. They were meant to be together.

I think part of their special bond happened because I was desperate for some help. I needed him and he stepped up. He seemed to have magical power that got Lexi to calm down in the worst of her screaming fits. He would hold her high up on his shoulder and pat her back, pacing back and forth in our hallway. Her cries would subside and she would peek over him. She liked the view from up there.

He was crazy about his princess. He told her several times a day how beautiful she was. He had a way of putting her to sleep, patting her bottom with a certain rhythm. I tried to learn a couple times but I never could get the "pat pat tap, pat tap tap" down. I would roll my eyes when he tried to explain the "right" way to pat her.

At night I would go to bed at 8 and Daniel would take the first shift with Lexi until midnight. Then he would feed her one last time and hopefully get her to sleep for a couple hours before my shift would start. She didn't sleep well at all except in our arms so from 2am on I was usually on the couch with her or walking the hallway while she screamed.

There were days I would have to leave right when Daniel got home from work and go for a walk or to the store just to get a break. He was great about it. I wasn't always very nice to him during those times because I was resentful of him getting to work outside the home during the day.

I felt a lot of guilt for being so unhappy even though I got my daughter back. I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom but I was not enjoying it. I was a nanny before having a child of my own and babysitting since I was 10 so I knew how to take care of kids and babies. This was a completely different world though and none of my previous experience and knowledge helped me.

I couldn't relate to people with regular kids. If they talked about how hard it was I would think "I wish my problems were as simple as theirs." I felt very isolated from typical families and jealous. The poem Welcome to Holland helps explain my process during that time. It was about letting go of what I thought my life would look like and seeing the good in my reality. I'm still learning this.

Life was hard. But it wasn't without joys. At 5 months old Lexi smiled for the first time. Her dad and I immediately began to go to great lengths to get as many smiles a day from her as we could. Lexi loved to snuggle so we got lots of quality time with her baby squishy and softness. I don't think there has ever been a baby that was held more. She was gorgeous and I loved dressing her up and doing photo shoots to capture her cuteness.

I wish I would have savored that time when she was little more but it felt like I was just surviving. There were many emotions swirling inside me and the biggest was fear that things would never get better.