God Will Heal My Baby

The first 3 days of Lexi's life I was completely certain that God was going to heal Lexi. He had brought her back from the dead and I was sure it could not be to lose her again. We learned that my placenta had abrupted causing Lexi to go without oxygen in the womb but we never found out why that happened. As endless doctors gave us their opinions on Lexi I embraced every one that told us she was doing better and progressing. I rejected Dr. Doom, her neurologist that told us he saw evidence of moderate to severe brain damage.

Her body was healing. Every day she seemed to be improving in so many ways yet her neurologist was unmoved in his opinions. We had to wait until the swelling went down to get a EEG that would test her brain waves and give us more information about if there was brain damage and how severe it would be. That test would be done when she was 3 days old.

I remember being very cavalier about the idea that Lexi would be disabled. You see I didn't believe it and so I said the right words that all parents say. "We will love her no matter what. We want her with us whatever her abilities are." Those statements were true but said without any concept of that reality. If I could go back I would shake myself and say, "You must face it. This is going to be very difficult. You need to stop living in lala land so you can make decisions for your daughter." In the moment though I would not accept any future from the glorious miracle I had in my head. That made the fall to the real world that much farther.

Day 3 was here. Daniel and I were napping together on my hospital bed. We were awoken to Dr. Doom coming in with a nurse. There was an immediate tension and awkwardness in the room as we did not like this Dr. In a flat, unemotional voice he told us the test showed there was no brain activity. He said that Lexi was brain dead. She had no consciousness and would never have any purposeful thought or movement. He recommended we take her off the ventilator and let her go.

I turned into Daniel and cried harsh tears like I have never cried since. The pain was physically overwhelming and I couldn't catch my breath. Daniel in a voice I didn't recognize started to ask the Dr. questions. The Dr. still showed no emotion but the nurse next to him was crying.

The rest of the day involved getting a second opinion who gave us the same information. We were told it might take a couple hours for Lexi to die once we took her off the ventilator. There was no mention that she might not die. It was a foregone conclusion in everyone's mind that this was the only "humane" choice to make.

Then we had to share with everyone else that our baby was brain dead. In our limited understanding Lexi was already gone and only the shell of her body remained because we were keeping her heart beating with machines. It was very confusing.

That evening we took Lexi off the ventilator. She turned blue right away but then started breathing on her own. We brought her into a room with our loved ones to say goodbye. Everyone took turns holding her and we prayed. In a prayer of submission I gave the Lord my baby back.