I was becoming increasingly hopeless about Lexi's irritability. It's very common for babies with brain damage to cry a lot but most of my friends kids with CP calmed as they got older. This was not the case for Lexi. Her reflux was doing much better which took about 10 percent of the screaming away but she still required constant attention. When I was alone with her and Caden I wasn't able to keep her happy.
In the mornings when I would nurse Caden I used to jiggle her legs with my foot. Sometimes that kept her from getting worked up. It never lasted though. As the day went on Lexi would become increasingly agitated and start screaming. I remember several times going out to the car to nurse Caden in peace where I couldn't hear her. I knew that she had sensory overload and there were reasons why she screamed all the time but It was getting more difficult to be sympathetic. My whole life was wrapped up in if I could calm Lexi, something I daily failed at. Daniel would get home and I would leave with Caden to go for a walk or just get out of the house. I was desperate to be away.
I started to resent how hard Lexi made my life. It was a struggle to enjoy my little girl. Before Caden I felt like a total failure as a mom but with how easy he was I started to see the problem as Lexi. Daniel knew I was overwhelmed and we started talking about him staying home with the kids and me going to work.
I had spent 2 and a half years listening to Lexi scream for hours a day, powerless to help her, usually by myself with her. I was at my limit, spirit exhausted. My thoughts were getting darker. I thought it was a mistake saving her life when we first came home from the hospital. She seemed miserable so often. One day I was driving home from an appointment with her screaming and had a thought that I should just drive the car off a cliff and end the tragedy that was our family.
I had spent 2 and a half years listening to Lexi scream for hours a day, powerless to help her, usually by myself with her. I was at my limit, spirit exhausted. My thoughts were getting darker. I thought it was a mistake saving her life when we first came home from the hospital. She seemed miserable so often. One day I was driving home from an appointment with her screaming and had a thought that I should just drive the car off a cliff and end the tragedy that was our family.
I started getting angry with Lexi during her screaming binges. Sometimes I would yell back. Then I would sob uncontrollably, feeling huge guilt for yelling at my disabled little girl. There was a slow progression of lacking self control in my thoughts and actions. I have seen sin work this way in myself and others many times and it never fails to scare me. Continuing on that path leads you to places you've always despised.
When Lexi was about 6 months old I called the hospital when she had been crying for hours, trying to get some ideas to calm her. I remember the nurse saying, "If you think you are going to hurt your child you need to get help." I was frustrated with the nurse because I felt like she wasn't hearing me. At the time I couldn't even imagine that I could ever be to a point where I feared I would hurt my baby. Two years later I was at that place.
When Lexi was about 6 months old I called the hospital when she had been crying for hours, trying to get some ideas to calm her. I remember the nurse saying, "If you think you are going to hurt your child you need to get help." I was frustrated with the nurse because I felt like she wasn't hearing me. At the time I couldn't even imagine that I could ever be to a point where I feared I would hurt my baby. Two years later I was at that place.
I definitely think I would have gotten to the end of myself eventually even without having other kids. Lexi required more from me than I could give. The postpartum hormonal imbalance pushed things along because it made everything more intense and I felt fragile enough to take drastic measures so that things would not continue as they were.
I started seeing a Christian therapist informally. She was semi retired working out of her home and I just paid her out of pocket. I'm not sure if this helped me. It was good to share with someone but I feared exposure and held back with her. She was passive and listened way more than she offered any helpful advice or knowledge.
The only person I was honest with during that time was Daniel and it took a while for me to get to that place. For the first time in my Christian life I was hiding who I was because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I withdrew into myself and felt far away from the Lord and the people around me.
That was an incredibly lonely place to be. When Lexi was born we had a lot of help and support from our friends, family and church. After our initial trauma everyone else went back to their own lives and Daniel and I were the only ones left in the dark. My family was out of the picture and our church was falling apart. All of the doctors we saw didn't seem to have any clue when it came to Lexi. There was no one to save us. I felt trapped in a life I hated.
Around this time Daniel got a job with the Portland Police Bureau. It was his dream job that he had been working towards for several years. Even though he would take a big pay cut for the first year the benefits were amazing and we knew it was the right direction for our family. He was excited but also nervous because he would have to spend 3 months at the police academy, only coming home on weekends. Neither of us knew how I would manage on my own. It was one of the most painful conversations of my life to tell Daniel that we needed to find somewhere for Lexi to go during that time because I could not take care of her.
I started seeing a Christian therapist informally. She was semi retired working out of her home and I just paid her out of pocket. I'm not sure if this helped me. It was good to share with someone but I feared exposure and held back with her. She was passive and listened way more than she offered any helpful advice or knowledge.
The only person I was honest with during that time was Daniel and it took a while for me to get to that place. For the first time in my Christian life I was hiding who I was because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I withdrew into myself and felt far away from the Lord and the people around me.
That was an incredibly lonely place to be. When Lexi was born we had a lot of help and support from our friends, family and church. After our initial trauma everyone else went back to their own lives and Daniel and I were the only ones left in the dark. My family was out of the picture and our church was falling apart. All of the doctors we saw didn't seem to have any clue when it came to Lexi. There was no one to save us. I felt trapped in a life I hated.
Around this time Daniel got a job with the Portland Police Bureau. It was his dream job that he had been working towards for several years. Even though he would take a big pay cut for the first year the benefits were amazing and we knew it was the right direction for our family. He was excited but also nervous because he would have to spend 3 months at the police academy, only coming home on weekends. Neither of us knew how I would manage on my own. It was one of the most painful conversations of my life to tell Daniel that we needed to find somewhere for Lexi to go during that time because I could not take care of her.
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