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As bad as things were at home I was more fearful for Lexi to live somewhere else and what that would mean for her. The child center was not what we wanted for her and I pictured horrors with a medical foster home. This had stopped me from seeking help earlier. I was also afraid of being judged because I knew that people would think I was a bad mom. I worried that Daniel would regret marrying me because I was weak and not able to handle my life. He loved Lexi so much and I knew it hurt him to think of her not being with us.

I spoke with Lexi's caseworker about our options and we had tentatively decided that Lexi would go back to the child center for three months of respite. This was the only reasonable option with her needs. We also had specific things we wanted for Lexi. One is that she would never be left alone with a man. The rate of sexual abuse for girls with disabilities it's obscenely high. The other is that she wouldn't be alone all day with any one person. I loved Lexi the most and I could not handle being alone with her while she screamed for hours so I definitely did not trust a stranger with her. We also wanted to be able to visit at anytime without calling ahead. This obviously made our options very limited.

Our disability caseworker asked me to be open to a specific medical foster home that was run by 4 people. There was an RN and her husband along with her mom who was a CNA and her aunt. This was a unique house in that they took turns and always had two people on at one time. They also agreed that we could visit at any time during the day.

As soon as we went to their house and met them Daniel and I were both confident that it was the right place for Lexi while he was at the academy. We started the process. I wrote out pages of instructions on Lexi's care and routine. Daniel and I would still be Lexi's legal guardians and responsible for all her medical decisions and appointments. Her caseworker made it clear that we could get her at any time for a visit or for good. We arranged to bring her home every weekend when Daniel came home. Once we had a plan in place I alternated between feeling afraid and relieved.