Birthdays for Lexi are not fun. This was her fourth birthday that was postponed for sickness. She was crying off and on through the party and this picture reminds me of the stress of trying to pretend to be happy when the birthday girl was so obviously not.
When Lexi was younger I would plan parties and attempt to celebrate. More often than not the parties would have to be postponed because of sickness and when we finally had them she would cry a lot during or after because she was over stimulated. Since her birthday is in winter which is the hardest time of year for her it's common for her to be sleeping the day away or checked out. I had to accept that the parties were really to make myself feel better. I was trying to convince the world that I treat her the same as any other child. Lexi didn't enjoy them though and it was all honestly ridiculous.
Nine years in I have gone way more low key and her birthdays have become her brothers eating cupcakes in her honor and we have a tradition of doing a movie night. As a family we thank God for the gift of Lexi. For me, it is also day that I let myself mourn as the gap gets wider every year of what a typical child her age would be like. Since she is usually unhappy I hold her and cry with her. I acknowledge that her life is incredibly hard and painful. To me that feels more right than a false sense of celebration. It's also a time that I remind myself of what's true. I know that every tear she cries is not without purpose. I know that her suffering is temporary. I know that her life impacts many for good and that one day she will be free from her broken body. Then she will walk and sing and dance.
Each year, I still pray that Lexi will have a happy birthday. She has had two out of nine so far so it isn't impossible. Just rare.
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