It started before she was even born as she quietly suffocated in the dark of my womb. I have replayed those last days of pregnancy in my mind over and over again, questioning my choices and wondering if there were clues to tell me what was going on. No one else could have known what was going on inside me but me. How could my baby be dying and I didn't sense it?
I didn't know and it wasn't my fault. It still hurts to think that everything could have been different if she had been born a few days earlier. I used to have a recurring dream. Lexi was in my tummy and I knew she was struggling and I saved her. When I would wake I would have to force myself not to picture what really happened during that time.
Then she's given life for the second time and now her suffering is done in sight. We know by her cries and her coloring and her body that she suffers yet still we are helpless to change it. All we can do is provide a temporary fix with drugs and corrective surgeries.
These hard things have revealed my honest heart. That what I want for my kids more than anything is for them to be protected.
I have made an idol out of keeping my kids from harm.
Every trial Lexi goes through is a block to that goal which is why my heart rages at God. My desire is not for Christ alone. Yes, I love Jesus but I require some things from him in order to give Him my trust. My children's safety and comfort.
I was convicted by a recent sermon that no hard thing can stop us from our goals in life if our goals are to reflect Christ and to love Him and others more. My first thought was "Lord I believe, Help me in my unbelief!"
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